Blades of No Glory Whatsoever

Yes, I know that this is not a "quality" film, however, not all movies are.  Nor can they be.  And sometimes, you just need to watch something stupid.

Plus, Will Ferrell makes me smile, especially in Elf and Stranger Than Fiction.

Another plus is seeing Jon Heder NOT as Napoleon Dynamite. There are no words for how much I hate that movie.  It single-handedly killed my generation.  There were years where I couldn't go anywhere without that movie being quoted -- it still happens on occasion.  It was not worth the dollar my ex-boyfriend payed for me to see it. "Gosh"

NOT OKAY

OKAY

Anyway, back to Blades of Glory.  







Exciting news.  Jenna Fischer is in it.  She is better known for her role as Pam Beesly / Halpert in The Office.  She's so freaking adorable.  I want to hug her.  This movie gets like 5 bonus points just because of her presence.


Also, she looks adorable with Jon Heder.  They play well off each other.






Will Ferrell should NEVER wear skin tight clothes or a figure skating outfit.  Jon Heder doesn't look near as bad, but the same philosophy applies.  Spandex should just not be an option for ANY fashion statement.  It's just wrong.
 



The Iron Lotus.  HAHAHAHAHA.  So many manikin heads.





*Please excuse me while I vomit as Jon Heder eats toilet paper*  HLUGHHHH!! (or whatever sound it is when you upchuck)


Poor Snowflake... He never saw it coming.  Seriously.  You can't see through those mascot heads.


This movie is about on par with Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. To quote my mom, it's "smut."  There is, however, some humor in it.  Awful, immature, low comedy.  And yet, I am mildly amused.  I'm actually kind of sad that I find this movie entertaining.  I guess it's okay though.  Not everyone can have perfect, only high humor.

201ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

So 2012...  yeah.

I wasn't looking forward to watching this at all.  For reals.  I had seen Day After Tomorrow and the Tom Craptastic War of the Worlds; that's all I needed to see about the end of the world.

And yet, apparently it wasn't.

I started watching it and was like "Really? I'm watching this?  At least it's not AVATAR because that is on my never gonna happen list." So we get going on John Cusack was there and the bad guy from Serenity (Chiwetel Ejiofor) was there and Amanda Peet was there and some big Russian dude with his kids was there and...

Definately fell alseep.

I woke up long enough to see a giant donut flying at the screen.  Coincidentally, it's the same donut RDJ is sitting in in Iron Man 2.  It's good to know that the donut survived the end of the world. 

 

And then I fell asleep again.

And then John Cusack was swimming under a caged giraffe.  I laughed. Cusack's daughter cried.  And the people on the boats lived happily ever after.  And so did I because the movie was over.

"Help! I'm suffocating under a giraffe!! Someone save me!"

The end.

I can't really say whether it is a good movie or not because I slept through it.  I can, however, say that it was a snoozefest.  Or maybe that happened because I hadn't slept in two days.  Either way, I still believe that by seeing Day After Tomorrow, I have seen 2012.  And people who believe that 2012 events are going to happen are silly.  I remember God saying that NO ONE would know when the world would end.  Including the Mayans.  Sure their calander ended in 2012, but they were conquered before they could continue adding days. 

So there.

"Hey Isaac...I have a question." "What's that Miria, my dear?" "What does Britt think about Baccano! ?"

Yes, this is an anime series and technically not a movie; however, they are on DVD, therefore can be reviewed by me.  So there.

"Nothing makes the Great Depression SEXIER than ALCHEMY BATTLES and good-looking MAFIA HITMEN" -- Bamboo Dong, AnimeNewsNetwork.com

"Don't let nobody tell you there's no future in a life of crime, because some rackets can last forever.  But we'll get around to all that immortality jazz later. A mafia turf war is raging on the mean streets of the Big Apple, a place where regular joes bounce between backdoor booze joints and the breadline.  But this caper ain't about a simple gangland brawl.  It's about hoods who can't seem to die proper after catching a bullet or five between the eyes.  Sadistic hitmen and the dames they love, mad bombers going boom, monsters going bump, and soul sucking alchemists bootlegging an elixir of eternal life. Just remember: Baccano! ain't about beginnings and ends.  It's about the twists and turns, bub.  Paths don't cross in this story -- They collide.  Every Dick and Jane plays the lead and it's gonna be a bumpy ride."


The above is quoted directly off the back of the box.  I can't explain the series better than that.  All I can add is "All aboard The Flying Pussyfoot Express." (insert multiple sex jokes and innuendos here)

"Hey Isaac... I have a question."  "What's that Miria, my dear?"  "How do stories begin?"  "Well, Miria, at the beginning of course."  Okay.  Enough of that.  As much as I love Isaac and Miria, I am tired of talking like them.  They are the perfect comedic duo.  Kind of like Team Rocket, but not as lame.  And without the catch phrases (Thank the Lord!).

Anyhow, the beginning of this series is probably one of the most original I have ever seen.  Going back to the original question: how do you begin a story?  You start at the beginning, of course.  You just start.  And, if you want to be original, you say something like "Once upon a time" or "What happened was."  But after that, you just start.  What's interesting about Baccano! is that it doesn't really start. Instead it starts with an argument over how to start the story. You see a girl flipping through pages scattered about a huge table when her boss, the vice president, walks in.  They appear to be journalists of some sort trying to piece together an event in history. Carol arbitrarily decides that November of 1930 is a good place to start.  The Vice President then begins to argue with her over why she chose that date.  Carol had no answer.  The Vice President went on to discuss how it is impossible to pinpoint an exact date when a story begins.  Furthermore, you cannot even tell a proper story because for every story, there is more than one character.  For example, for the story in question, there are  nearly twenty points of view to consider. 

And in this manner, the story begins.

Part of what gives this series it's amazingness is the style it's done in.  The creatures had to have watched a lot of ganfster movies, including Guys and Dolls, as well as read The Great Gatsby and studied the stereotypes of what life was like in the 1920s and 1930s.  Firo Prochainezo epitimizes this with his green suit, matching fedora, perfect Neew Yok accent.

Also, there is the newspaper that everyone goes to for information.  Typewriters and bulletins are all over the place.  The paper editor willingly dishes out information for a price because he makes it his business to know things.  It just seems very authentic.

And the music is phenomenal.  It reminds me of the song in The Mask where he dances and whatnot. I don't know if I'm being clear with that reference.  It's very swingy and bouncy and free-jazz like.  The music fits the time period... at least it does if I remember my music history class right.

I really like the time line it plays with.  It reminds me of 500 Days of Summer.  You have to pay attention to the time line for anything to make sense.  It jumps around too much.  I like that though because it forces me to pay attention. I can't just sit and watch; I have to think and sew all the threads together.  Warning: This is a terrible show to walk into the middle of. Start at the beginning or suffer severe confusion. 

It's like in the first season of Heroes.  In the future, Hiro has strung every event together to find a place to go back to and change the future for the better.  Each person had a thread.  The threads crossed together marking when the characters met and interacted.  The threads were totally unrelated and happened to meet by chance.  The passengers on the Pussyfoot are all together by fate.  The reporters from the beginning, Carol and the Vice President, become Future Hiro piecing the events between 1930 and 1931 together.

Plus, as an added bonus, there are tons of characters.  Like Fruits Basket, any viewer will find some character they love or can relate to.  And it's not like in Twilight where everyone looks and sounds the same. Each person has their own definite personality (except for Isaac and Miria, who are the same person with different genders).  Often, when this process is done, one or two characters get favored while the rest fade into the background.  For example, in Harry Potter, Professor Lupin has the potential to be the coolest character ever, but he is shoved behind the other "more important" characters. 

Baccano!  does it's best to treat every character equally.  They even rename everyone in the opening credits to help the audience keep track of who is who.  I appreciate this greatly because without it, I, along with any other viewer, would be completely lost.

And the "villain" is fantastic.  This guy literally makes my skin crawl.   It brings him joy to surprise people with death.  The people who are not thinking about death at all; the people who are picturing their dinner or what they are going to do that night.  He beats people to death because it's fun.  He uses only his hands.  He wears white because it will make the blood stand out.  He is S-I-C-K.  And yet, he is perfect. 

Also, the 'flashback' portion that EVERYONE hates at the beginning of each episode is embedded into the opening credits.  This way, the audience isn't near as annoyed as they could be because they can easily skip the credits, and therefore, skip the flash back.  I don't know about anyone else, but I love this.  Baccano! is the only series I know that does this.

Can I just say that the whole immortality thing is nasty?  Because it totally is.  Usually, when a person is "immortal," or rather a healer, they get hurt, blood goes everywhere, but then the wound closes.  It's that easy.  The blood is still there (eg. See Claire Bennet's uniform in the premier episode of Heroes: she pushes her ribs back into place, but the blood remains on the cheerleader uniform).   Not so much in Baccano!.   You get hurt/die and your wound slurps up all the blood that was there back into your body.  Like a vacuum cleaner or suction cup.  It makes the nastiest sound.  I'd rather just see the blood, thanks. 

In the end, I will say this. It's amazing. If you like puzzles, you'll probably like this show.  If you like Team Rocket, you'll probably like this show.  If you like Full Metal Alchemist, you'll probably like this show.  If you have any sense of humor at all, you'll probably like this show.  It's just amazing.  This show is major epic win.  You can't get better than this show.  End of story.

The only drawback of the series is that they cram a lot into just over twenty minutes.  Nothing is sequential.  For example, between episodes 3 and 4, you see the run-in between Firo and Ennis from two different perspectives: first through Firo's eyes, and then through Ennis'.  Plus, you see what most every character is doing in each episode.  By the time you make it through one disk, your head is about to explode from trying to piece together what just happened.

Also, some characters have unfortunate names.  Namely, Jacuzzi Splot.  Personally, I love the name. i wish that I had a name that cool. It's funny and the character is an animated Neville Longbottom.  Other people, such as my brother, just want to know what the creators were thinking when they named the poor kid Jacuzzi.  I mean, he already has a giant scar/tattoo on his face.  What more could you possibly do to the guy?  Name him Jacuzzi Splot -- passenger on The Flying Pussyfoot Express. *cackle chortle chuckle *

If you're interested, check out the Funimation preview.  I assure you -- you won't be disappointed. 

Game On Gamer

Okay.  Honesty time. I am not a gamer.  Big surprise there, I know; but I have actually played a first shooter once.  And I've seen it played multiple times.    Seriously, Smash Brothers is about as violent as I get.  Anyhow,It made me sick to my stomach "pulling the trigger" and watching the blood splatter.  I literally started to cry because I was killing another, albeit virtual, person.  So, my understanding and view of this movie might be a tad skewed.  And for that, I apologize.  Truly.  


So here goes nothing.

It's always good to start with beginning, so that's where we'll start.  I like that the opening looks like a music video for Marilyn Manson's  "Sweet Dreams Are Made of These" at an excessively slow speed.  If you didn't know you were watching a movie, you would think you had turned on MTV or VH1, something like that.


Also, I love the style that this movie is done in.  The "gaming" portions look so real that I can't tell if it is footage from an actual first person shooter or if it is camera footage edited so well that it looks like a game.  It makes me sick.  I could feel my stomach churning and the spaghetti bouillabaisse and garlic toast bubbling up my throat.  I will never be able to watch or play a shooter game again.  That's how well done it was.  I was incredibly impressed.

 I love the use of camera angles and lights also.  At the beginning, the game was all in blacks, grays, and neutral colors.  The "real" world, however, was bright colors and a lot of white.  It really visually showed the difference between the two worlds.  Plus, for the most of the beginning of the movie, you couldn't see Gerard Butler's face, unless he was remembering something.  Only pieces of it.  It was distorted.  In my literature classes, I learned that the inside matches the outside: therefore, Kable (Butler) is a distorted/demented person.  Finally, it was epic when Simon and Kable were working together.

I think the best part of it is the ethical questions it raises.  Is it really just a game?  I'm not saying that the movie is true and that criminals on death row are in the game.  That's ridiculous and fictitious.  But even if they aren't, does that justify the killing of another person? Even if that person is virtual?  I don't think so.  It's not okay to kill people.  I understand that in times of war sacrifices must be made and blah blah blah blah.  That's an argument I'm not willing to get into.  I just don't feel that killing is right, even in video games, especially realistic ones.  Also, what makes a person on death row any better than a person who has a clear record?  Nothing.  We're all human and we're all deserving of Hell.  End of story.


I think the movie also serves as a social criticism on how much we rely on gaming.  Virtual experiences like WoW, Sims, etc.  (I know there are more than that, but I don't know their names)  I saw a documentary a while back that talked about these helmets you could put on and it read your brain waves.  (See Paprika) The character in the game does exactly what you're brain tells it to do.  That's so creepy.  I know reality sucks most of the time; trust me, I have the scars to prove it, but that is not an excuse to run away forever.


 


On another note...wow Milo.  From Peter Petrelli to this.... Let's just say that that wasn't a wise career move.  I get that you're tired of being the good guy, but W-O-W.

"Drop your socks and grab your Crocs!" It's time to review Iron Man 2

First of all, Robert Downy Jr. is my hero because he plays Tony Stark / Iron Man. He was made to play this role. As my mom says, Tony Stark’s life is consistent with RDJ’s, so it is easy for him to play. He just looks the part and plays it so well.

Second of all, Scarlett Johansson is awesome. Even though it was probably her stunt double who did these moves, but still. She was awesome.

Third of all, what happened with Rhodes? Seriously. They changed actors. It makes me angry when they do that. If you cast a person for the first movie, cast them again in the movie. Seriously. It’s rude. And dumb. And if you do have to switch actors, try making them look alike and not obvious. That would be nice. Ergh… Fail Marvel.

The movie itself wasn’t bad. It was alright, but it was slow at parts. I guess that’s okay though. I just preferred the first Iron Man better, however, this one was pretty epic.

The best part, other than RDJ of course, is Jarvis and the computer stuff. I love Tony Stark’s computer technology. I want to play in his lab and computer technology stuff. Wow. Never thought I would say that.

Anywho. Superhero movies ftw. But Defendor is better. So there.

I Want to Buy I Sell the Dead

The title pretty much says it all.  Literally, it's about these two guys selling dead people in Victorian England.  I know that sounds gross and morbid, but the title just implies epic win.  So we picked it up.  Well...my boyfriend picked it up and I promised I would watch it with him because Dominic Monaghan was in it and I was curious to see Ron Perlman without filed down horns.

Even though it is about grave robbing and fighting with other grave robbers, and even though you do see the cadavers they pick up,  you aren't grossed out at all.  Well, that's not exactly true, but you don't feel as grossed out because of the music playing in the background.  It sounds like you're watching a circus performance.  Pretty exciting.

I also loved the art style.  The camera angles were phenomenal.  And the use of color and light was awesome. Most of the movie was done in darker grays, browns, and blacks (which is appropriate for the story), but sometimes the color emphasis really worked for me.  The best part, however, was the random art style switch.  When they were introducing the Murpheys (a grave-robbing gang), the picture would switch into a comic-looking box.  It was awesome.

This movie is just win.  I can't explain it better than that.  The critics say it's a cult classic worthy of Shaun of the Dead or The Big Lebowski.  And I agree.

Defending Defendor

The preview left me believing that something funny was going to happen, but it’s a lot more serious than you believe. I was expecting something like Zombieland, but this isn’t even close.

I like the style the story is being told in. You see the hero in jail being psychoanalyzed. The viewer becomes Sandra Oh, the psychologist, trying to piece together what made Defendor who he is today and how he got into jail.

 This isn’t the typical superhero movie where you see the hero save the day and everything is all hunkie-dorey. You see the hero get his butt kicked over and over. You see him fall on his face and the bad guy wins. It’s not like Dragonball Z either, where the hero loses one fight and then comes back 8X stronger and wins the fight. No, Defendor loses pretty much every battle he gets in to. But he still gets up and keeps trying. Even when he gets show multiple times, he still gets up and tries to take down the bad guy. And he dies in the end. When do you ever see a hero die? It’s painful and sad, but it’s nice in that uniqueness. I think that’s why I like this movie. He’s just a normal guy trying to do right by his mother. He’s kind of like Batman without the money and cool toys. Or maybe like the little kid in Pay It Forward.

I love the subtle humor in this movie. He labels things: Defendoor (his door) and Defendog (the bobble-head dog that rides in his car). Also, when Sandra Oh asks him if he has anything that he wants to add he starts doing math. That was just brilliant.

In the end, I was pleasantly surprised. At the beginning, I was laughing and everything and I was like okay this is going to be a movie making fun of superhero movies. Towards the middle, I got more and more depressed and I wasn’t sure if I would like the movie at all because you just see this guy getting his butt kicked and the bad guys winning. I don’t mind being depressed, but I just really felt for the guy. So go Woody Harrelson on that part. By the time the movie was over, however, I loved it. Sure he dies, but he stuck to his guns and helped out the people he left behind.

I wish there were people like him in real life. People who are willing to stand up even though everyone thinks he’s an idiot and even when he’s in jail, he’s still willing to fight for what he believes in. He’s admirable in that respect. Maybe like a Christ-figure…