"Valentine's Day is about anger, disappointment, love, romance, mating, discretion, sparklies, commitment, I love it."

"Valentine's Day. It comes every year whether you like it or not. It's the day when your love life is put on display. Where there's always a chance for romance...or disaster. It can be confusing. And it can be complicated. But at the end of the day, it's all about love." -- Valentine's Day Trailer

I'll admit that I was slightly concerned about this movie.  There are A LOT of characters.  The last movie I watched like that was He's Just Not That Into You, and, well, I just wasn't into that movie.  At all.  Too many characters that I cared absolutely nothing about.  They were too exaggerated to be real, except for Alex, played by Justin Long. But whatever, we'll give lots of characters another chance.

Huzzah!! More Anne Hathaway.  I love her so so much.  But I digress again.  For my ode to Miss Hathaway, see my review of Alice in Wonderland.  And she plays such an oddball character -- well her job anyway.  AWKWARD!  So many accents -- ha ha ha. And Queen Latifa is such a good sport about it.  The first time I saw this movie, I didn't like this role for her (it was a bit disturbing), but upon seeing it a second time, I've decided it's just funny. 

 

And Hector Edlizondo too.  He was in The Princess Diaries with Anne Hathaway!  Yay for Hector!

Oh Taylor Swift.  I love her music, but wow can she be a ditz.  Hope she's not like that in real life.  I'm going to assume she's not because she writes her own song and hosted one of the best SNL's in a long time.  Taylor Lautner is just as bad as she is in this movie.  Not that he isn't any better in Twilight. He is pretty amazing in The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, though.  Ha.

 

 Hey look.  It's Bradley Cooper with his ridiculous hair.  I HATE his iced hair tips that he has in most movies, except The Hangover.  It was worse then.  He's the new Matthew McConaughey. Ick.  So Sorry, Brad.  Sucks to be you.

Jessica Biel is probably one of my favorite characters in this movie.  It's partially because I have watched her grow up, so to speak, thanks 7th Heaven. And she's just funny.  And she reminds me of someone special, someone super important to me, like one of my best friends ever.  So many girls, I think, feel the way she does: that Valentine's Day is for people in love, but pretty useless for everyone else.  And she's so funny about her annual "I Hate Valentine's Day Party."  "My best friend is CANDY!" "My closest relationship is with my BlackBerry, Thank God it VIBRATES!"

 

I feel bad for Ashton Kutcher.  He has to find out that his best friend is being cheated on.  that's awful.  He shouldn't be put in that position.  Well, no one should.  It's crappy.  And it puts him in such a weird situation.  But I guess it works out for him in the end.  After Alba refuses his proposal, he gets Jennifer Garner (a trade up in my opinion).  Not only does he save her from Patrick Dempsy, but he gets a relationship with her. 

The only other character I want to mention is Emma Robert's character.  I love her blunt honesty and frankness about everything.  Her grandparents ask what's wrong and she tells them flat out: "Well, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time today."  Not every teenager would do that, but she did.  I also like that she chases after the kid she babysits because she cares that much about him.  She's just a good character.





I guess the last thing I'll mention is the song Taylor Swift wrote for the movie, Today Was a Fairytale.  It was perfect.  Not only was it beautifully written and performed, but it fit the movie so well.  She's just amazing.  End of story.
This movie is amazing.  Just watch it.  Even if it is a slight bit depressing, it's still... realistic.  I like that word.  Valentine's day isn't always about love.  It's not always perfect.  For example, on one particular Valentine's day, I gave my ex the engagement ring he got me back and broke his heart.  Maybe that experience just jaded me, but I like that this movie covers all kinds of Valentine's days, not just the perfect ones.

Did You Hear About the Morgans? Because I did.

When I saw the previews for this movie, I wasn't that excited.  I knew it would be funny because Hugh Grant was in it, but I figured it would be a typical romantic comedy.  Yes, I would watch it, but it wouldn't be anything to special or spectacular.

The thing with Hugh Grant movies is that, as much as I love him, the plot of his movies are generally the same.  Hugh Grant will play the charming golden boy who makes a major mistake, creating a rift in his relationship with his female co-star.  The rest of the movie, then, is Grant trying to apologize and make up for whatever wrong he did.  And, in the end, he wins the girl back with his sincere apology, British accent, and "oh shucks" attitude.

What I like about this movie, however, is that we got to skip the first part.  He messed up his relationship before the movie even began.  In fact, it begins with him apologizing.  He apologizes the rest of the movie and wins over Sarah Jessica Parker's heart.  I really appreciated this change of pace. 

I also enjoyed the situation the plot revolves around.  It's just funny.  Stick two people who hate each other in the middle of no where.  When you do this, one of two things is going to happen: one, they'll kill each other, or two, they will fight.  Either way it's going to be hysterical.

Ven the culture shock from New York to Wyoming is amusing.  Having been to Wyoming several times (my grandparents live there), it was even more funny.  Because people are kind of like that.  At least my uncle is.  He and Sam Elliot's character would have gotten along great.

Not kidding.  My grandpa. Right here.

Plus, Sam Elliot is epic.  Not only does he sound and look like my grandpa, but he just adds this presence that gives any movie bonus points.  In fact, his cool factor is so big that movies like Ghost Rider and The Golden Compass suddenly become passable, when, without him, they would suck.









In the end, I was right.  It was a romantic comedy.  Nothing special or spectacular, but still funny and worth a watch in it's own right.

Hehvan Halmighty!!

Okay.  So I know there are 'blasphemy' concerns in watching Bruce and Evan Almighty, at least according to some in the Christian circle, but this movie is funny.  And has more of a Christian angle than Bruce, so there.

Inappropriate, but so funny.

I love the clock and the subtle Christian humor. 1-800-Go-4-Wood. Gen. 6:14.  Alpha and Omega delivery company. 40 Year Old Virgin Mary (okay, that's more on Carell, but still).  "One nation, under Me, for which it stands." Ark Building for Dummys. "I hope this isn't our Last Supper."

 
I'm glad they kept Morgan Freeman as God.  He makes a good 'God' if such a thing could be imagined.  I know no one is supposed to know what God looks like and that God sounds like something different for each person, if He sounds like anything at all.  But Morgan Freeman has the right voice: deep and oddly omniscient sounding.

I also love Steve Carell.  Generally, he's known for being the infamously worst boss you could ever dread to have, Michael Scott on The Office, but he is funny outside of this show.  He can say anything with a straight face -- highly necessary in a film like this when you are surrounded by tons of animals and spontaneously sprouting hair unnecessarily.  Plus, he has such a funny face; I swear you could shove a nickle up his nose and he wouldn't even notice. 


SHEEP!! He's funny.












I'm not sold on John Goodman as a 'villain'.  I see John Goodman and I think Fred Flinstone or possibly Baloo.  He's too teddy bear to be bad.


I also super love what they did with the word "ARK."  It's not about recreating the ark Noah built and saving the animals from an all-destructive arsenal of aqua. It's about ARKs, in other words: Acts of Random Kindness.  Acts of Random Kindness are what make people who they are.  The little choices every day: will I pick that trash up off the road, even though I didn't through it away; will I tell the truth about my homework or lie; will I open a door for someone else or not?  That's what makes us and separates the good from the bad.  

I guess the point is that be careful what you wish/pray for.  Evan asked to change the world and God gave him the opportunity.   He asked for a way to build the ark, and was given the catapult lift thing.

And I think this is what separates Evan Almighty  from Bruce Almighty, if I remember Bruce anyway.


But that's all I got.


So...


EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!!!

The Sadventures of Elmo in Grouchland

Yes, I watched this.


I was babysitting and this is what the kids wanted to watch.  I am not discriminatory on what I review, so here goes anyway.

It really made me wonder why I ever watched Sesame Street.  Seriously.  Rumor has it that I woke up extremely early every morning to watch this.  I loved Big Bird apparently.  And I remember watching Elmo's world with my baby brother when he was younger.  And still, I have to know: WHY?!


Anyways, the beginning freaked me out.  With the blankie that dances and smothers him.  Thank god blankets don't really do that.  I would have died.  Or been scarred for life.  Dancing blankets just aren't a good idea. EVER!


*sigh*


The movie was pretty lame.  It might just be my age and lack of interest in little kid shows anymore.  I have outgrown PBS. 
 



 


But I did like one part.  I liked that Burt and Ernie and how they kept interrupting the movie to freak out.  It was a nice break from the monotony.  And it was kind of funny.  I use the words "kind of" and "funny" very loosely though.










Oh well.


And that's all I have to say really.  Congrats on getting your possessed blanket back.  Now you can snuggle together like any couple should.

Sleep with both eyes open, Elmo...

Uh Oh... It's Coming Up... The Word Vomit...

Oh Mean Girls.  It is one of my all time favorite movies.   I know there are much better options out there, but this movie just brings joy to my heart.  A few years ago, I watched this movie daily...it was the only thing my roommate and I had in common...it kept us from killing each other.  I could quote this entire movie at one point.  Thankfully, I've grown out of that phase, but I can still quote quite a bit.

 


The first time I saw this movie was during my "Lindsay Lohan" phase.  I thought she was so cool after my grandma took me to see The Parent Trap.  After that, I watched every one of her movies I could: Life Size, Get a Clue, Freaky Friday, and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen.  I quit at Herbie: Fully Loaded.  I couldn't do it.

I think I like this movie because of it's window into the "girl" world.  I'll be honest.  I never fit into the "girl" world.  I can count the number of close friends that were girls on one hand.  I hung out with guys because they made sense and didn't play all the games that you see Regina, Karen, Gretchen, and, eventually, Cady play with each other.  They are absolutely vicious and, okay, I love every minute of it.

I also like how true it is to high school life.  Okay, some things are obviously exaggerated, but the cafeteria thing: totally true.  Your seat depended on your social status in school.  And everyone watched where you picked that initial seat your first day of freshmen year.

"Now, where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial because you got everybody there. 

You got your freshmen, ROTC guys, preps, JV jocks, Asian nerds, 

cool Asians, varsity jocks, unfriendly black hotties, girls who eat their feelings, 

girls who don't eat anything, desperate wannabes, burnouts, 

sexually active band geeks, the greatest people you will ever meet and the worst. 

Beware of The Plastics."

I sat with, going by Mean Girls status, is probably the burn out table.  There was a guy who was on his third or fourth year as a freshmen and a few girls I don't remember.  Most my friends went to one of the other high schools or moved away entirely.  We colored our hair with Sharpies or highlighters and, okay one of us, ground up cheetohs and snorted the crumbs up his nose.  I didn't stay there long.  I ended up eating in one of my teachers room: I had a sweet deal -- I got to eat in peace without everyone watching me if I helped grade his quizzes and other assignments.  It worked pretty well for me for the remainder of my high school career.


Anyway, back to the movie.

Regina George... I mean how do you explain Regina George?  Lets ask the experts: "Regina George is flawless." "She has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus." "I hear she does car commercials. In Japan." "Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues." "One time, she punched me in the face. It was awesome." What else is there to say?  
Nothing.
Except I will never let Rachel McAdams live this role down.  No matter who she is, she is Regina George to me.

 And I really want to yell at you.  Just like Gretchen did. Finally her real feelings come out.  Everyone feels that way about Regina, Gretchen is just the only one to say it.  Finally.  Thank you Gretchen Weiners for cracking.













"Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his BIG feet?  What's so great about Caesar? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. OK? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become OK for one person  to be the boss of everybody?  Because that's NOT what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!"

Speaking of defining roles... *drum roll* ... Amanda Seyfried... YOU WIN!! No matter if I see you in Mamma Mia, Jennifer's Body, Dear John, Letters to Juliet, or that one episode of House, M.D., you will always be Karen to me.  Half the time, i don't even know your real name: I just know Karen.
Don't get offended though.  You are my absolute favorite Mean Girl.  Your 'dumbnesss' makes me smile...every time.












There are so many grand quotes in this movie.  So many phrases I could repeat: "Four for you Glenn Coco. You go Glenn Coco."  or "Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin because I use super-jumbo tampons.  But I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina."  

But my favorite quote is this: "When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck out the poison.  That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life."  I can't tell you how many times I've had to do that: suck poison out of my life.  Most of them came from girls, but some came from me as well.  It's a cleansing experience.



The best part is that you can hear exactly what Cady (Lohan) is thinking.  It is necessary because so much of her change is psychological.  So much of the greatness would be lost without her voice overs.

I don't care what you say: this movie defined several years of my life.  it's fantastic.  For boys and girls, alike.

Alice is Underful

I saw this movie before, yes, but I saw it once more tonight.  And I still love it.  Tim Burton is my hero.  And onto to the review... 

*fall down a  rabbit hole to the review while listening to Avril Lavigne's song*


 
First of all, I love Alice, played perfectly by Mia Wasikowska.  She just looked the part and had the perfect British accent.  It is even more impressive because I had seen her in Defiance, where she played Chaya Dziencielsky with such intensity and believability.  Anyway, this is all to say that I am super impressed with her.  Very much so.


In other news, I want her gloves.  They are adorable.


The only drawback of being Alice is her hair looks much worse in Underland.  Seriously.  It was adorable in the beginning.  And then it was this messy mane of ribbon curled straw.

Speaking of characters, can anyone say Johnny Depp?  I can.  Like 8 times.  I wasn't at all surprised that he was in this movie because ... well ... it's a Tim Burton movie.  But WOW.  There will never be a madder hatter in the world.  He just did it so well.  Very Willy Wonka of him.


Just one quick question: how on earth did he make that dress for Alice? Edward Scissorhands, anyone?

 I guess the same thing can be said for Helena Bonham Carter.  She has made many an appearance in Tim Burton's movies.  She's so freaky.  Not as freaky as Meryl Streep, but still quite frightening.  Off with her obnoxious, bulbous, heart-shaped head already.  She's fantastic though.  The perfect Red Queen of Hearts.


I do appreciate her questioning of lover versus fear in power.  It's very Machiavellian of her.  Thank you Dr. Murphy and Political Theory. ;)

Finally, my favorite character: the White Queen.  Okay, honest confession time: Anne Hathaway is my favorite.  For reals.  She's the best ever.  I've loved her since her premier movie role: The Princess Diaries, one of my favorite series by my absolute favorite author, Meg Cabot.  And I just love the way she moved.  She reminded me very much of Snow White.  It was all in her arms and her facial expressions.  Any second, I expected her to start singing and taking care of dwarves...wait, she did that: Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.


















Outside of characters, the computer graphics were fantastic.  So wonderful.  Not overdone at all.  It was perfection.  Best ever.  So was the music.  The choral voices added to the whimsical quality of it.


I loved the incorporation of the Jabberwocky.  One of the best poems ever.  I've read it so many times, but it makes me excited every time.  There is video (I cannot find it online -- at least not the one I'm looking for) of it being translated into sign language is fantastic because he made up all the signs himself because the words were all made up.  Thank you Lewis Carroll for creating the opportunity for it.  It kind of bothered me, however, that the Jabberwocky looked quite similar to the dragon in Enchanted.  Just saying...

Alice in Wonderland is obviously a comedy of manners.  Alice is trapped within a society that she must break away from.  In the beginning, she refuses to wear corsets and stockings.  She then refuses to marry Hamish (and rightly so, Hamish was a snobby prick, even if he was a Lord).  So she runs away and ends up in Underland.  Even there, she breaks away from what is expected of her.  The white rabbit presses her, insisting that she has to slay the Jabberwock.  Alice ends up yelling at him. THIS IS MY DREAM. I'M THE ONE IN CHARGE.  I DECIDE WHERE THE STORY GOES FROM HERE!  










Alice is not the only one who feels the need to break convention.  The Mad Hatter finds it hysterical that the queen's court insists on wearing false parts: belly, boobs, nose, ears, chins, etc.  Not only does he laugh, but he exposes the hypocrisy of it all. 

Alice, on the other hand, doesn't find the strength to do this until the very end where she denies Hamish and tells most of the people present off for not accepting her as she was. 


The last thing I'll say is that the movie reminded me a lot of The Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. You have human characters stepping into another world where there are creatures expecting great things of them, while others doubt that they have the power, and there is an evil queen in charge.  The greatest part of the story is where the characters accept the roles they are meant to play. 


In Alice, the blue caterpillar, Absolom, voiced perfectly by Alan Rickman, plays an integral role in assisting Alice realize who she is.  By repeatedly asking her who she is, Alice becomes who she was meant to be.  She gains the courage.  She gains the knowledge.  She self-actualizes and is able to save Underland from the Red Queen.

I love this movie.  I really do.  Sure it's trippy, but who said trips were bad? JUST KIDDING. Just watch the movie.  It's curious and curiouser.

Holmes is Not So Much My Homie

So here's the deal.  I'm going to be completely straight with you. I am not looking forward to this movie.  Robert Downy Jr. can be Tony Stark all he wants, but not Holmes.  He doesn't look the part.  And his facial hair is atrocious.  But at least he is making a good attempt at becoming Holmes.  Thanks for trying RDJ.

What Holmes Should Be

What Hollywood Thinks Holmes Should Be

Also, all the previews I've seen are action packed and blood and punches and that's just wrong.  Sherlock Holmes is not Rambo; Sherlock Holmes is not Bruce Willis or Arnold Schwarzenegger; Sherlock Holmes is not James Bond. Sherlock Holmes is a detective. In my head, he doesn't know how to fight or anything like that; he is merely a brilliant observer.  That's it.  He is Basil from The Great Mouse Detective.

in light of my perspective, this movie is going to blow massive chunks and pervert the Sherlock Holmes that Arthur Conan Doyle created.  But we'll see how this goes....

So far this movie annoys me.  Especially the scene with Holmes in the boxing ring.  Sure they tried to make it seem like he was more of an observer by announcing every hit and the effect it would have, but still.  It just doesn't work for me.  I do appreciate the effort.  At least they are trying to make this more detective than beat-me-shoot-me.

Hmmm.... Rachel McAdam's character intrigues me.  And yet, I've seen her in this role before.  Anyone remember Regina George in Mean Girls?  She was the sexiest, baddest girl in the school and she used it to her advantage.  Here we see Irene Adler using her sex appeal and criminal mind to appeal to Sherlock Holmes.  It's redundant for her.  A typecasting of sorts.

i like how Robert Downy Jr. and Jude Law play off each other, but they are too sarcastic for my liking.  They have more of a bitter playful hate relationship than one of friendship.  The word brothers comes to mind.  Conveniently, this is also the term used in the movie.  It seems like they're trying to set the other one off.  Though they do it well, it's just not working for me.  I do enjoy the snarkiness and plays on words, but I don't think it's appropriate for these two characters.


 
Holmes has sunglasses?  Really?  That's not true to the time period, now is it?  Let me explain...the clothing, the accents, the scenery is all set in a certain time period.  And then you have Holmes in those blasted sunglasses.  Congratulations, you've killed the mood of the story completely.  

It's the same blasted thing with his tilted hat.  RDJ is adding his personal fashion touch to Holmes.  FAIL Jr. EPIC FAIL!

The only thing I like about this movie is the music.  It's quite exciting.  And I guess some of the camera angles are fun.


I just...there's too much action and life-threateningness than what I had envisioned for Holmes.  That's probably just me.  I know why it's necessary, however.  When creating a movie, you must appeal to the audience.  This particular audience likes car chases, sex, and as much blood as possible.  My version of Holmes would please very few.


I do like that we continually here what's going through Holmes' mind.  I feel that it is highly necessary when so much of what is going on in the film relates to his observations.  If the audience didn't hear his thoughts, then they would be completely lost.  And the movie would be that much less enjoyable.  It was especially useful in the boxing ring scene and the scene where Irene Adler first appears.  A few minute later, there is a flashback of everything Holmes noticed broken down second by second.


EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW *vomit creeps up throat as the pig heads and other animal body parts*  GROSS!!!!!!


The slaughter house scene is starting to remind me of a bad Popeye cartoon plan.  Seriously.  With the saws drawing ever closer to the damsel in distress is tied to a conveyor belt. *eye roll* It makes me want to laugh.

"Oh, Holmes!! You saved me!!"

OOOO.  That was kind of cool. The camera shot I mean.  Holmes alone, playing his violin, with everything he's heard playing as a voice over while the walls are covered with his notes.  I love that shot.

*Gasp* Slow motion explosions...Haven't seen that before.  Not.

At least the villain, Lord Blackwood, is highly compelling.  I do enjoy a good villain.  Darth Vader, Sylar, Aizen, Maleficent, Jafar, all wonderful.  Lord Blackwood, you may have the potential to join their names.  Don't blow it.


Before I give this movie an official rating, I will have to read the books once more.  My memory and this production do not add up.  I feel there is something more I must deduce.  There are connections I have yet to make.  I will update this once I have read the books and have a clearer view of Holmes and Watson once more.

Blades of No Glory Whatsoever

Yes, I know that this is not a "quality" film, however, not all movies are.  Nor can they be.  And sometimes, you just need to watch something stupid.

Plus, Will Ferrell makes me smile, especially in Elf and Stranger Than Fiction.

Another plus is seeing Jon Heder NOT as Napoleon Dynamite. There are no words for how much I hate that movie.  It single-handedly killed my generation.  There were years where I couldn't go anywhere without that movie being quoted -- it still happens on occasion.  It was not worth the dollar my ex-boyfriend payed for me to see it. "Gosh"

NOT OKAY

OKAY

Anyway, back to Blades of Glory.  







Exciting news.  Jenna Fischer is in it.  She is better known for her role as Pam Beesly / Halpert in The Office.  She's so freaking adorable.  I want to hug her.  This movie gets like 5 bonus points just because of her presence.


Also, she looks adorable with Jon Heder.  They play well off each other.






Will Ferrell should NEVER wear skin tight clothes or a figure skating outfit.  Jon Heder doesn't look near as bad, but the same philosophy applies.  Spandex should just not be an option for ANY fashion statement.  It's just wrong.
 



The Iron Lotus.  HAHAHAHAHA.  So many manikin heads.





*Please excuse me while I vomit as Jon Heder eats toilet paper*  HLUGHHHH!! (or whatever sound it is when you upchuck)


Poor Snowflake... He never saw it coming.  Seriously.  You can't see through those mascot heads.


This movie is about on par with Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. To quote my mom, it's "smut."  There is, however, some humor in it.  Awful, immature, low comedy.  And yet, I am mildly amused.  I'm actually kind of sad that I find this movie entertaining.  I guess it's okay though.  Not everyone can have perfect, only high humor.

201ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

So 2012...  yeah.

I wasn't looking forward to watching this at all.  For reals.  I had seen Day After Tomorrow and the Tom Craptastic War of the Worlds; that's all I needed to see about the end of the world.

And yet, apparently it wasn't.

I started watching it and was like "Really? I'm watching this?  At least it's not AVATAR because that is on my never gonna happen list." So we get going on John Cusack was there and the bad guy from Serenity (Chiwetel Ejiofor) was there and Amanda Peet was there and some big Russian dude with his kids was there and...

Definately fell alseep.

I woke up long enough to see a giant donut flying at the screen.  Coincidentally, it's the same donut RDJ is sitting in in Iron Man 2.  It's good to know that the donut survived the end of the world. 

 

And then I fell asleep again.

And then John Cusack was swimming under a caged giraffe.  I laughed. Cusack's daughter cried.  And the people on the boats lived happily ever after.  And so did I because the movie was over.

"Help! I'm suffocating under a giraffe!! Someone save me!"

The end.

I can't really say whether it is a good movie or not because I slept through it.  I can, however, say that it was a snoozefest.  Or maybe that happened because I hadn't slept in two days.  Either way, I still believe that by seeing Day After Tomorrow, I have seen 2012.  And people who believe that 2012 events are going to happen are silly.  I remember God saying that NO ONE would know when the world would end.  Including the Mayans.  Sure their calander ended in 2012, but they were conquered before they could continue adding days. 

So there.

"Hey Isaac...I have a question." "What's that Miria, my dear?" "What does Britt think about Baccano! ?"

Yes, this is an anime series and technically not a movie; however, they are on DVD, therefore can be reviewed by me.  So there.

"Nothing makes the Great Depression SEXIER than ALCHEMY BATTLES and good-looking MAFIA HITMEN" -- Bamboo Dong, AnimeNewsNetwork.com

"Don't let nobody tell you there's no future in a life of crime, because some rackets can last forever.  But we'll get around to all that immortality jazz later. A mafia turf war is raging on the mean streets of the Big Apple, a place where regular joes bounce between backdoor booze joints and the breadline.  But this caper ain't about a simple gangland brawl.  It's about hoods who can't seem to die proper after catching a bullet or five between the eyes.  Sadistic hitmen and the dames they love, mad bombers going boom, monsters going bump, and soul sucking alchemists bootlegging an elixir of eternal life. Just remember: Baccano! ain't about beginnings and ends.  It's about the twists and turns, bub.  Paths don't cross in this story -- They collide.  Every Dick and Jane plays the lead and it's gonna be a bumpy ride."


The above is quoted directly off the back of the box.  I can't explain the series better than that.  All I can add is "All aboard The Flying Pussyfoot Express." (insert multiple sex jokes and innuendos here)

"Hey Isaac... I have a question."  "What's that Miria, my dear?"  "How do stories begin?"  "Well, Miria, at the beginning of course."  Okay.  Enough of that.  As much as I love Isaac and Miria, I am tired of talking like them.  They are the perfect comedic duo.  Kind of like Team Rocket, but not as lame.  And without the catch phrases (Thank the Lord!).

Anyhow, the beginning of this series is probably one of the most original I have ever seen.  Going back to the original question: how do you begin a story?  You start at the beginning, of course.  You just start.  And, if you want to be original, you say something like "Once upon a time" or "What happened was."  But after that, you just start.  What's interesting about Baccano! is that it doesn't really start. Instead it starts with an argument over how to start the story. You see a girl flipping through pages scattered about a huge table when her boss, the vice president, walks in.  They appear to be journalists of some sort trying to piece together an event in history. Carol arbitrarily decides that November of 1930 is a good place to start.  The Vice President then begins to argue with her over why she chose that date.  Carol had no answer.  The Vice President went on to discuss how it is impossible to pinpoint an exact date when a story begins.  Furthermore, you cannot even tell a proper story because for every story, there is more than one character.  For example, for the story in question, there are  nearly twenty points of view to consider. 

And in this manner, the story begins.

Part of what gives this series it's amazingness is the style it's done in.  The creatures had to have watched a lot of ganfster movies, including Guys and Dolls, as well as read The Great Gatsby and studied the stereotypes of what life was like in the 1920s and 1930s.  Firo Prochainezo epitimizes this with his green suit, matching fedora, perfect Neew Yok accent.

Also, there is the newspaper that everyone goes to for information.  Typewriters and bulletins are all over the place.  The paper editor willingly dishes out information for a price because he makes it his business to know things.  It just seems very authentic.

And the music is phenomenal.  It reminds me of the song in The Mask where he dances and whatnot. I don't know if I'm being clear with that reference.  It's very swingy and bouncy and free-jazz like.  The music fits the time period... at least it does if I remember my music history class right.

I really like the time line it plays with.  It reminds me of 500 Days of Summer.  You have to pay attention to the time line for anything to make sense.  It jumps around too much.  I like that though because it forces me to pay attention. I can't just sit and watch; I have to think and sew all the threads together.  Warning: This is a terrible show to walk into the middle of. Start at the beginning or suffer severe confusion. 

It's like in the first season of Heroes.  In the future, Hiro has strung every event together to find a place to go back to and change the future for the better.  Each person had a thread.  The threads crossed together marking when the characters met and interacted.  The threads were totally unrelated and happened to meet by chance.  The passengers on the Pussyfoot are all together by fate.  The reporters from the beginning, Carol and the Vice President, become Future Hiro piecing the events between 1930 and 1931 together.

Plus, as an added bonus, there are tons of characters.  Like Fruits Basket, any viewer will find some character they love or can relate to.  And it's not like in Twilight where everyone looks and sounds the same. Each person has their own definite personality (except for Isaac and Miria, who are the same person with different genders).  Often, when this process is done, one or two characters get favored while the rest fade into the background.  For example, in Harry Potter, Professor Lupin has the potential to be the coolest character ever, but he is shoved behind the other "more important" characters. 

Baccano!  does it's best to treat every character equally.  They even rename everyone in the opening credits to help the audience keep track of who is who.  I appreciate this greatly because without it, I, along with any other viewer, would be completely lost.

And the "villain" is fantastic.  This guy literally makes my skin crawl.   It brings him joy to surprise people with death.  The people who are not thinking about death at all; the people who are picturing their dinner or what they are going to do that night.  He beats people to death because it's fun.  He uses only his hands.  He wears white because it will make the blood stand out.  He is S-I-C-K.  And yet, he is perfect. 

Also, the 'flashback' portion that EVERYONE hates at the beginning of each episode is embedded into the opening credits.  This way, the audience isn't near as annoyed as they could be because they can easily skip the credits, and therefore, skip the flash back.  I don't know about anyone else, but I love this.  Baccano! is the only series I know that does this.

Can I just say that the whole immortality thing is nasty?  Because it totally is.  Usually, when a person is "immortal," or rather a healer, they get hurt, blood goes everywhere, but then the wound closes.  It's that easy.  The blood is still there (eg. See Claire Bennet's uniform in the premier episode of Heroes: she pushes her ribs back into place, but the blood remains on the cheerleader uniform).   Not so much in Baccano!.   You get hurt/die and your wound slurps up all the blood that was there back into your body.  Like a vacuum cleaner or suction cup.  It makes the nastiest sound.  I'd rather just see the blood, thanks. 

In the end, I will say this. It's amazing. If you like puzzles, you'll probably like this show.  If you like Team Rocket, you'll probably like this show.  If you like Full Metal Alchemist, you'll probably like this show.  If you have any sense of humor at all, you'll probably like this show.  It's just amazing.  This show is major epic win.  You can't get better than this show.  End of story.

The only drawback of the series is that they cram a lot into just over twenty minutes.  Nothing is sequential.  For example, between episodes 3 and 4, you see the run-in between Firo and Ennis from two different perspectives: first through Firo's eyes, and then through Ennis'.  Plus, you see what most every character is doing in each episode.  By the time you make it through one disk, your head is about to explode from trying to piece together what just happened.

Also, some characters have unfortunate names.  Namely, Jacuzzi Splot.  Personally, I love the name. i wish that I had a name that cool. It's funny and the character is an animated Neville Longbottom.  Other people, such as my brother, just want to know what the creators were thinking when they named the poor kid Jacuzzi.  I mean, he already has a giant scar/tattoo on his face.  What more could you possibly do to the guy?  Name him Jacuzzi Splot -- passenger on The Flying Pussyfoot Express. *cackle chortle chuckle *

If you're interested, check out the Funimation preview.  I assure you -- you won't be disappointed.